“I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions. Perhaps then, someday for in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…”
I got this fromTrailerparkjesus’ blog
Since I have no idea where to begin, I’m going to just jump in.
Words cannot express the pain I feel. But I hope this exercise will be more therapeutic than making a rash phone call or sending an email without thinking. Betrayal, inadequacy, nauseated, I don’t know what word to use.
I wish I were more like my sister right now. I wish I could hate and focus all my energy on hating. I wish I didn’t question myself, asking why did this happen, what did I do to deserve this. I don’t think I’ll find that answer.
Man looks into the abyss and nothing stares back. At that moment he finds out his true character, and that’s what keeps him out of the abyss. Or something like that. Someone said that once, and it was repeated in a movie. I’m in an abyss. And I’m trying to find my character, but it’s not very easy.
I think that people have an amazing capacity to love. I think people have an even greater capacity to insulate themselves from the pain that comes with risks of the heart. In doing so, they hurt those of us that take the risk. We don’t get the chance to find the reward of the risk. But we get burned and we become more timid to put ourselves back out there. I certainly feel that way now.
Maybe true love is only meant for our kids. When we risk love for another and get hurt, we sacrifice our capacity to love.
That scares the shit out of me.
Right now I want to call and scream and hurt her so badly that she never forgets. I want to make her feel my pain. She was my friend, my lover, my confidant. Then she used all of that against me, or at a minimum, discarded the worth those things brought.
It’s been 6 days since I have eaten now, and it’s not that I haven’t tried. I managed to get something down last night only to have it revisit me on checkout. I can still taste the remnants it left behind. And this tastes worse than anything I have ever vomited. This tastes of hurt and pain. I swear a part of my heart passed through my mouth on the way out.
I probably should avoid her like the plague, but I’m not some super-human macho man. My feelings have been crushed and it’s taken the rest of me with it. I have that stomach pain that comes when you take a blow. My body aches and there’s a river that flows from my eyes.
My phone has been ringing all day with offers of support. But I’m talked out, or, I just don’t know what to say. I want to just disappear. I’d like to get in my car and drive with no destination in mind.
There is no way to describe this pain. I keep looking down at my stomach expecting to find a hole through which I can see my spine. I guess on the positive, at least I have a spine.
And that’s why I could never do to her what she did to me.
Trailer Park Jesus at 3:22 PM
Then there was one comment that said:
In God’s time, you’ll fall for the right reasons, to the right person. When that time comes, that love will be worth the long wait, the tears and pain… then you’ll forget you ever waited. — WITH ALL THE LOVE IN MY HEART