back from the dead and i am not happy about it

not all of you know why my last entry was like THAT. Let’s just say that it was s’posed to be my last entry.

to everyone who knows, thank you for all your prayers and for the time you lent me to just listen to all my blabbings and endless ramblings. You do not know how much you have helped me go through each moment of this very difficult time. You just saved a damned soul.

I am now trying to pick up the pieces. The pieces that are shattered into a million and one pieces. I do not even know where to start. But here I am trying to pick each minute piece with blood on my fingers and tears in my eyes….

We’re friends now…i guess that would suffice for now. We’ve talked about it several times. Ako yung makulit. It told him not to damn me for being makulit because I’m fighting for us…er..what used to be us, i guess and that If situations were reversed he would have done the same thing. And situations are noew reversed indeed. I feel na ako na yung nanliligaw sa kanya. It’s something that I had never done before. But I’m doing it because this is my life that I’m fighting for. I just hope he realizes this-soon. Don’t judged me for doing it. Someday, when you find that person you love with all heart and soul and who loved you almost to the point of putting you on a pedestal, you’ll know and understand what I’m going through. The world is an awfully big place, y’know. That if you lose sight of the one you love, you might never see them again. So hanging on is what I’m doing.

“The road to nowhere leads to me.”

I’ve been going back to my roots lately. Re-discovering my old habits. So far so good. There are times that I just feel so exhilarated er-at least para may kakampi ako after praying. So that’s what I do. If i’m in one of my down moments I pray para I’ll forget the hurt. Yes you read it right. I;ve been praying. I was agnostic for the last couple of years but here I am asking for his help when I am in need and there he was accepting me with no qualms…no questions…no judgement..nothing…so baby steps to going back….and this time, as i promised, for good na. Had my first confession in years kanina…shucks…kakahiya i didnt even know how to! but still the priest granted my absolution and gave me penance. I cried during that confession. I cried when I was doing my penance. I cried again when I was in the park doing my daily night visits. I cried when I read my goodbye letter to him. Here is a part of that letter::::

“Know that I loved you like no other. I gave you everything that I had to offer and more. I guess that it wasn’t enough for you. I hope that you find that one person that will make you happy forever. I love you and know that I love you still no matter where I am and that i will be watching over you and keeping you from harm. When you suddenly feel a slight wind grazing your face. Know that it was my hand touching your lovely face. If you feel suddenly warm and protected know that its my arms that is wrapped around you…protecting you, keeping you safe and keeping you warm. If you see a shooting star in the heavens, know that it’s me giving you the opportunity to talk to me. Giving you the chance to tell me what you want and wish for so that I can ask God if he can give whatever you want and wish for.

Hon, remember the letter that a woman wrote about her husband that was an Engineer? Please remember me by that story.

“When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form…flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands…

and that’s our life…”

I love you my sweetik, my honey. You are the love of my life. YOU are my life.

PS: I left you some things. my last pay and money that I’ll get from my clearance, I authorize you to get. You need it, I know.

Tutto a te me guida (everything leads me to you).

Be happy, hon and don’t work too much….. (taken out)

I love you. I love you. I wish that I can touch you one more time but I can’t…or else I wouldn’t be able to get the courage anymore to leave.

Belle

…an ye harm none, do what ye will….

back from the dead and i am not happy about it

not all of you know why my last entry was like THAT. Let’s just say that it was s’posed to be my last entry.

to everyone who knows, thank you for all your prayers and for the time you lent me to just listen to all my blabbings and endless ramblings. You do not know how much you have helped me go through each moment of this very difficult time. You just saved a damned soul.

I am now trying to pick up the pieces. The pieces that are shattered into a million and one pieces. I do not even know where to start. But here I am trying to pick each minute piece with blood on my fingers and tears in my eyes….

We’re friends now…i guess that would suffice for now. We’ve talked about it several times. Ako yung makulit. It told him not to damn me for being makulit because I’m fighting for us…er..what used to be us, i guess and that If situations were reversed he would have done the same thing. And situations are noew reversed indeed. I feel na ako na yung nanliligaw sa kanya. It’s something that I had never done before. But I’m doing it because this is my life that I’m fighting for. I just hope he realizes this-soon. Don’t judged me for doing it. Someday, when you find that person you love with all heart and soul and who loved you almost to the point of putting you on a pedestal, you’ll know and understand what I’m going through. The world is an awfully big place, y’know. That if you lose sight of the one you love, you might never see them again. So hanging on is what I’m doing.

“The road to nowhere leads to me.”

I’ve been going back to my roots lately. Re-discovering my old habits. So far so good. There are times that I just feel so exhilarated er-at least para may kakampi ako after praying. So that’s what I do. If i’m in one of my down moments I pray para I’ll forget the hurt. Yes you read it right. I;ve been praying. I was agnostic for the last couple of years but here I am asking for his help when I am in need and there he was accepting me with no qualms…no questions…no judgement..nothing…so baby steps to going back….and this time, as i promised, for good na. Had my first confession in years kanina…shucks…kakahiya i didnt even know how to! but still the priest granted my absolution and gave me penance. I cried during that confession. I cried when I was doing my penance. I cried again when I was in the park doing my daily night visits. I cried when I read my goodbye letter to him. Here is a part of that letter::::

“Know that I loved you like no other. I gave you everything that I had to offer and more. I guess that it wasn’t enough for you. I hope that you find that one person that will make you happy forever. I love you and know that I love you still no matter where I am and that i will be watching over you and keeping you from harm. When you suddenly feel a slight wind grazing your face. Know that it was my hand touching your lovely face. If you feel suddenly warm and protected know that its my arms that is wrapped around you…protecting you, keeping you safe and keeping you warm. If you see a shooting star in the heavens, know that it’s me giving you the opportunity to talk to me. Giving you the chance to tell me what you want and wish for so that I can ask God if he can give whatever you want and wish for.

Hon, remember the letter that a woman wrote about her husband that was an Engineer? Please remember me by that story.

“When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form…flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands…

and that’s our life…”

I love you my sweetik, my honey. You are the love of my life. YOU are my life.

PS: I left you some things. my last pay and money that I’ll get from my clearance, I authorize you to get. You need it, I know.

Tutto a te me guida (everything leads me to you).

Be happy, hon and don’t work too much….. (taken out)

I love you. I love you. I wish that I can touch you one more time but I can’t…or else I wouldn’t be able to get the courage anymore to leave.

Belle

…an ye harm none, do what ye will….

back from the dead and i am not happy about it

not all of you know why my last entry was like THAT. Let’s just say that it was s’posed to be my last entry.

to everyone who knows, thank you for all your prayers and for the time you lent me to just listen to all my blabbings and endless ramblings. You do not know how much you have helped me go through each moment of this very difficult time. You just saved a damned soul.

I am now trying to pick up the pieces. The pieces that are shattered into a million and one pieces. I do not even know where to start. But here I am trying to pick each minute piece with blood on my fingers and tears in my eyes….

We’re friends now…i guess that would suffice for now. We’ve talked about it several times. Ako yung makulit. It told him not to damn me for being makulit because I’m fighting for us…er..what used to be us, i guess and that If situations were reversed he would have done the same thing. And situations are noew reversed indeed. I feel na ako na yung nanliligaw sa kanya. It’s something that I had never done before. But I’m doing it because this is my life that I’m fighting for. I just hope he realizes this-soon. Don’t judged me for doing it. Someday, when you find that person you love with all heart and soul and who loved you almost to the point of putting you on a pedestal, you’ll know and understand what I’m going through. The world is an awfully big place, y’know. That if you lose sight of the one you love, you might never see them again. So hanging on is what I’m doing.

“The road to nowhere leads to me.”

I’ve been going back to my roots lately. Re-discovering my old habits. So far so good. There are times that I just feel so exhilarated er-at least para may kakampi ako after praying. So that’s what I do. If i’m in one of my down moments I pray para I’ll forget the hurt. Yes you read it right. I;ve been praying. I was agnostic for the last couple of years but here I am asking for his help when I am in need and there he was accepting me with no qualms…no questions…no judgement..nothing…so baby steps to going back….and this time, as i promised, for good na. Had my first confession in years kanina…shucks…kakahiya i didnt even know how to! but still the priest granted my absolution and gave me penance. I cried during that confession. I cried when I was doing my penance. I cried again when I was in the park doing my daily night visits. I cried when I read my goodbye letter to him. Here is a part of that letter::::

“Know that I loved you like no other. I gave you everything that I had to offer and more. I guess that it wasn’t enough for you. I hope that you find that one person that will make you happy forever. I love you and know that I love you still no matter where I am and that i will be watching over you and keeping you from harm. When you suddenly feel a slight wind grazing your face. Know that it was my hand touching your lovely face. If you feel suddenly warm and protected know that its my arms that is wrapped around you…protecting you, keeping you safe and keeping you warm. If you see a shooting star in the heavens, know that it’s me giving you the opportunity to talk to me. Giving you the chance to tell me what you want and wish for so that I can ask God if he can give whatever you want and wish for.

Hon, remember the letter that a woman wrote about her husband that was an Engineer? Please remember me by that story.

“When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form…flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands…

and that’s our life…”

I love you my sweetik, my honey. You are the love of my life. YOU are my life.

PS: I left you some things. my last pay and money that I’ll get from my clearance, I authorize you to get. You need it, I know.

Tutto a te me guida (everything leads me to you).

Be happy, hon and don’t work too much….. (taken out)

I love you. I love you. I wish that I can touch you one more time but I can’t…or else I wouldn’t be able to get the courage anymore to leave.

Belle

…an ye harm none, do what ye will….

At night,

stars and planets are shining overhead.

Above me, suns nova and collapse,

punching holes in the galaxy, pulling their light after them and pulling me into the next world.

(you might wanna read this again. today’s blog is updated throughout the day)

Never say goodbye when you still want to try…never give up when you still feel you can take it…never say you don’t love that person anymore when you can’t let go.

its my last day here in the office. supposedly. but my sup is asking me to render ot bukas and also, he doesn’t want me to go and file for leave and he doesn’t want to receive my resignation letter. no one wants to actually. i told na my mom that i’ll be resigning and she asked why. i dare not tell her why. she likes him. a lot. the first time ata na she likes a boyfriend of mine. even my dad likes him! my dad. imagine that?!?!?! my dear protective father actually likes the guy i’m with. my mom asks if i’ve made up my mind na and i answered, not yet. she says that if i have then it’s time for me to go home na. home is in the states. well i dunno. honestly, i have other plans of my own. no, not another job. i’m gonna enjoy bumhood muna. we’ll see what the fates has in store for us before i make any final decisions. but for now i’m saying goodbye to everyone. I might not have the chance to anymore. Everyone, I know it’s kinda cheesy cheesy but goodbye to everyone for now. May you all have a good life. May God bless you with a long and blissful life and to continue loving till your very last breath. Blessed be!

By: Gabriel Garcia Marquez

If for an instant God were to forget that I’s a rag doll and gifted me a piece of life, I probably wouldn’t say all that I think, but rather I would think of all that I say.

I would value things, not for their worth but for what they mean.

I would sleep little, dream more, Understanding that for each minute we close our eyes, we lose sixty seconds of light.

I would walk when others hold back, I would wake when others sleep I would listen when others talk, and how would I enjoy a chocolate ice cream!

If God were to give me a piece of life, I would dress simply.

Throw myself face first into the sun, baring not only body but also my soul.

My God if I had a heart, I would write my hate on ice, and wait for the sun to show.

Over the stars of a Van Gogh dream I would paint a Bendetti poem,

And a serrat song would be the serenade I’d offer to the moon.

With tears, I would water roses, to feel the pain of their thorns, and the red kiss of their petals.

My God, if I had a piece of life,

I wouldn’t let a single day pass without telling the people I love that I love them.

I would convince each woman and man that they are my favorites, and I would live in Love with Love

I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease to be in love when they grow old, not knowing that they grow old when they cease to be in love!

To a child, I shall give him wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own.

I would teach the old that death does not come with old age, but with forgetting.

So much have I learned from you…

I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain, without knowing that real happiness is how it is scaled.

I have learned that when newborn child squeezes his father’s finger for the first time with his tiny fist, he has him trapped forever.

I have learned that a man has the right to look down on another only when he has to help the other to get on his feet.

From you I have learned so many things,

But in truth they won’t be of much use,

For if I keep them within this suitcase, unhappily I shall die.

At night,

stars and planets are shining overhead.

Above me, suns nova and collapse,

punching holes in the galaxy, pulling their light after them and pulling me into the next world.

(you might wanna read this again. today’s blog is updated throughout the day)

Never say goodbye when you still want to try…never give up when you still feel you can take it…never say you don’t love that person anymore when you can’t let go.

its my last day here in the office. supposedly. but my sup is asking me to render ot bukas and also, he doesn’t want me to go and file for leave and he doesn’t want to receive my resignation letter. no one wants to actually. i told na my mom that i’ll be resigning and she asked why. i dare not tell her why. she likes him. a lot. the first time ata na she likes a boyfriend of mine. even my dad likes him! my dad. imagine that?!?!?! my dear protective father actually likes the guy i’m with. my mom asks if i’ve made up my mind na and i answered, not yet. she says that if i have then it’s time for me to go home na. home is in the states. well i dunno. honestly, i have other plans of my own. no, not another job. i’m gonna enjoy bumhood muna. we’ll see what the fates has in store for us before i make any final decisions. but for now i’m saying goodbye to everyone. I might not have the chance to anymore. Everyone, I know it’s kinda cheesy cheesy but goodbye to everyone for now. May you all have a good life. May God bless you with a long and blissful life and to continue loving till your very last breath. Blessed be!

By: Gabriel Garcia Marquez

If for an instant God were to forget that I’s a rag doll and gifted me a piece of life, I probably wouldn’t say all that I think, but rather I would think of all that I say.

I would value things, not for their worth but for what they mean.

I would sleep little, dream more, Understanding that for each minute we close our eyes, we lose sixty seconds of light.

I would walk when others hold back, I would wake when others sleep I would listen when others talk, and how would I enjoy a chocolate ice cream!

If God were to give me a piece of life, I would dress simply.

Throw myself face first into the sun, baring not only body but also my soul.

My God if I had a heart, I would write my hate on ice, and wait for the sun to show.

Over the stars of a Van Gogh dream I would paint a Bendetti poem,

And a serrat song would be the serenade I’d offer to the moon.

With tears, I would water roses, to feel the pain of their thorns, and the red kiss of their petals.

My God, if I had a piece of life,

I wouldn’t let a single day pass without telling the people I love that I love them.

I would convince each woman and man that they are my favorites, and I would live in Love with Love

I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease to be in love when they grow old, not knowing that they grow old when they cease to be in love!

To a child, I shall give him wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own.

I would teach the old that death does not come with old age, but with forgetting.

So much have I learned from you…

I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain, without knowing that real happiness is how it is scaled.

I have learned that when newborn child squeezes his father’s finger for the first time with his tiny fist, he has him trapped forever.

I have learned that a man has the right to look down on another only when he has to help the other to get on his feet.

From you I have learned so many things,

But in truth they won’t be of much use,

For if I keep them within this suitcase, unhappily I shall die.

“Young lovers seek perfection.

Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together

and see the beauty in the multiplicity os patches”

Going through some of my old stuff I found one poem that I composed a long time ago…now i guess it doesn’t apply to me anymore. God was that cruel. And from the looks of it God is in his god- be-cruel spree. Shit. I Shouldn’t say those things. Sya nalang ang pag asa ko. For some reason, after we spoke early this morning, i fell asleep, as usual, crying but on top of that I was crying to God. I was actually praying. The last time I prayed was when I though something bad was gonna happen to Aids. I prayed to him to let him give me a chance. When I woke up I prayed again. Im prayed hard-very hard. I know that in a way it was my fault and I was gonna try my darnest to make it up to him. That was around 5am. I woke up 730am. kumpleto nanaman ako sa tulog. My mom wanted me to attend a wedding of my cousin. HELLLOOOOOWWWWWW ano ako bale? ano ako masokista? Medyo lang siguro.

Went to the office early. The house was so depressing for me. I saw his pictures everywhere and I needed to see other people to keep myself from thinking. Mahirap na at baka mabaliw ako.

Talked to Jon. Well….i dunno sana di pa 70 or 60% na papunta na dun. Sana please no. But I’m preparing myself na din for whatever happens. Preparing for the worst. This time Jon I hope you’re wrong. It’s hoping against hope, I know but when you love someone you gotta hang on.

This morning when we talked, against my better judgement, I bared my soul to him. I bared my soul and lost it. I gambled and I lost. Bigtime. I wore my shattered heart on my sleeve. Like a kid who knows no better. You may say that what I did was wrong. I know. It was stupid of me. Wala na kong tinira sa sarili ko. Stupid stupid. But I felt that I just had to do it. This was the first time (and I’m guessing the last) that I would do that. I never tried to hang on to a relationship before. I never wanted to because of pride. And now that I did it, sana pala di nalang kse wala din pala. But at least I did. At least I’ll never wonder to myself what would’ve happened if I did try to. At least I know the answer. It wasn’t something that I wanted but I had my answer..for now.

You stop

and you hold your breath

and you think

you think so hard

hard, I tell you

to the point of wracking your brains out

of draining it to its

very last embers

then again you stop

you straighten your back

and you hold your head up

so high you’re almost praying

and deep inside you are

then for one long minute

you take a very deep breath

as if it was your last

then you exhale

and now you know

and you know it

with all your heart

that finally

God had looked down

from his lofty chair

that God

fianlly had

mercy upon you

that you had finally found

someone to love

and who you know love

till his last breath

and you stop and you smile.

“Young lovers seek perfection.

Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together

and see the beauty in the multiplicity os patches”